


"I've Got a Story"

by ClownBoy



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Almost Got 'im, One Shot, Other, and Bruce panty shots, literally nothing but smooches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 14:57:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14022723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClownBoy/pseuds/ClownBoy
Summary: In a meeting of the rogues, they take their minds off work and Batman with something much more interesting:  close encounters with charming billionaires.





	"I've Got a Story"

From the street, you probably couldn't hear the bustle. Perks of running operations underground. Had anyone the slightest idea just how many baddies they could've busted all in one night, well, it's doubtful they all would have met in the first place. But every once in a while, Cobblepot especially insisted they have these displays of comradery. Truth be told, they usually only increased tensions. Didn't stop him, though. He even had the audacity to try to run the thing.  


"Simmer down! Simmer down my fellow foes!"  


"Fellow foul foes?" Riddler smiled.  


"Quiet, you. If we hope to stay organized, I expect a pinch of PROFESSIONALISM!"  


"Some struggle just to act as adults, Cobblepot," Ivy said. "I doubt they'll act as professionals."  


"Right you are, Aisley."  


The coin landed heads. "Shut up, Ed."  


"Yeah, can it, Eddie boy! The bird man's talkin'!"  


"Are you all accounted for? Let's see... Ivy... Riddler... me... Looks like the clown is missing."  


Riddler leaned back and sighed. "Thank GAW-"  


The door flung open. Of course it did. There stood the green bastard in some cracked Ray Bans sipping on a pink frappuccino. He paused and made his way slowly to the table. "... Gentlemen! Ladies." He thudded into the only empty seat. "Pam."  


Close as he was, she maintained a glassy look the other direction, posture perfect as ever. "Joker."  


He plopped his feet on the table and sipped away. "Well? Let's get this show on the road, eh?"  


"As. I. Was. Saying. Now that we're all present and accounted for..."  


Catwoman's eyes were slowly making their way around the shelves. You could bet Penguin was about to be down a few silver candle holders. Harley was making faces across the table. Actually managed to get a smirk from Ivy. No one seemed to be listening as Penguin insisted on boundaries, schedules, and pointed at charts with his gloved flippers. Well, the clown was nodding and smiling enthusiastically and overreacting at all the right moments. Oswald didn't seem to appreciate it, however.  


Poor Eddie, holding up all these bar graphs like a gameshow girl. Selina always told him he should really get paid for the embarrassment alone. Even in the dim light, the multicolored spandex and spiked hair all packed into one room looked odd. I guess it's hard to judge in a city who's shining hope in the dark is a man with pointy ears and a cape.  


"SO, as we can see here..." Cobblepot paused and stared at the crowd.  


"Our output's terrible! We need reform!" Joker gasped. "Did somebody say villain's strike?"  


"STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!"  


"That's the spirit, Harley!"  


"OFF THE TABLE, BOTH OF YOU!" Penguin sat and tucked his shirt back in. He spoke with composure this time. "I didn't bring you here to be MOCKED. I was hoping we could discuss our BAT problem, see?" His cigarette holder shimmied in his lips. "I hoped in this ONE way, we could be united."  


"Any proposals then, Os- er, Penguin?"  


He stared back at Riddler. The only sound in the room a straw stirring shaved ice and Harv chewing gum with his mouth open. Guess he couldn't help it sort of.  


"I have one."  


"Not again, Joker..."  


"No, no! I think you'll like this one, cat lady." He slid his arm across the table, palm up, and wiggled his fingers until Penguin took his hand then smiled. "Oz, you work too much." He stood and walked around the table. "We all work too much! Honest! Think about it, think! When's the last time ANY of you," he grabbed Riddler's shoulders, "DIDN'T think about Batbreath a whole day? Hm?" He stood crossarmed with the expectant smile that makes your lips disappear.  


"I don't think-"  


He silenced Harvey with a single gloved finger. "I rest my case! See, we're all obsessed, people! We need a night off! Besides! There are far more interesting things to talk about."  


Everyone stared at Oswald. Selina stared at her nails.  


"He's right, you know."  


"EDWARD-"  


"Let the man speak, Pengy!" Joker sat on the table and tongue-hunted his straw maintaining full eye contact.  


"Miss Quinzel, you understand psychology. Have we not all developed some sort of," his hands spun around each other, "bat-centric moral compass? Doesn't affecting everyday life define disorder?"  


"You're learning, Eddie! Gold star!"  


Riddler smiled.  


Penguin didn't. "Night off? Just what are you suggesting, Mr. Joker?"  


He plopped a cardboard box on the counter. "You know I'm a fan or card games! As for conversation..."  


"You know what's more interesting than Batman?"  


"Yes, Miss Kyle?"  


"Bruce Wayne."  


There was a mixture of cheers and groans. Joker stared blankly.  


"What?" she shrugged. "Touchy subject?"  


Joker blinked and his smile returned. "I think it's a great one!" He pulled a crate up by Catwoman. She winced. "Be a dear and deal us in, would you?"  


Her metal claws clacked against the cards. They didn't slide well on the dirty table.  


"Count your cards, everyone! Count your cards! You got ten, Crocky dear?"  


"I... think so."  


"Good! Our black card is... 'Blank is a slippery slope to... blank.'"  


Riddler looked horrified at his cards. He leaned over and whispered to Ivy. Soon half the table's eyes were wide and Harley had a mischevious smile from ear to ear.  


Catwoman cleared her throat. "Let's see. 'Morgan Freeman's voice is... a slippery slope to advice from a wise, old black man.'"  


"... You know, I've got a story about Bruce Wayne."  


Catwoman smiled. "I'd love to hear it, Ivy."  


"I thought you would. I only wonder who's ready for it."  


Harley's lips pursed, eyes wide in anticipation. Eddie rested his head on one arm.  


"Well," Ivy smiled. "It was all going according to plan. My most potent formula yet."  


"Of what? Weed killer?"  


"Really, Joker? This was your idea."  


"Fine, fine! I appreciate the input, Croc. Thank you."  


Ivy brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "As I was saying... My execution was perfect. All the lab staff was under my control. This was in April of last year when they had the rare zinnia seedlings from the STAR Labs collection."  


"I remember that! You were so excited, Red!"  


"I was, Harley! I really, really was excited to see them. The colors were unlike anything I'd ever seen. With luck, I thought I could use the unique strain for my own purposes. Just as I had the necessary samples, practically out the door, there he was. Wayne himself."  


Riddler covered his mouth. "No!"  


"Yes. I thought, 'What could I do?' I'd been in a pinch before, but Wayne didn't look surprised. No. He was angry already and already after me."  


"Whatja do? Whatja do?" Harley grabbed Ivy's arm, bouncing up and down in her chair.  


"All I could do. I didn't have any injections left, so a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."  


"You KISSED him? Oh, Red..."  


"I didn't want to, my sweet. It was the only way I could leave. But it worked, and before I knew it, I was driving off into the sunset with my new babies."  


"Ha! That's nothing, Ivy!"  


"Is that so, Mr. Nygma?"  


"Well, uh... "  


She stared through him. "Is there something about you and Mr. Wayne we don't know about?"  


"I..."  


Everyone's stares turned Riddler beet red.  


He straightened his tie and his glasses. "I've got a story."  


"Have you?" Joker raised his eyebrows.  


"I do! Surprised I never told you all MY Wayne story. With the warehouse. Practically gave the man a lap dance."  


"Oh! Now I'm interested!" Joker's feet were on the seat, head resting on his kneecaps. Catwoman also seemed to perk up. Surprised her pointed ears didn't twitch.  


"So... So, I needed a hostage. I was in a bit of debt from Falcone."  


"Falcone?!? How'd you manage that? Wouldn't touch him with a forty foot pole! How long ago was this?"  


Croc stared at Joker.  


Joker put his hands up and gestured back to Riddler.  


"I was in debt to Falcone, so I needed a hefty ransom. I deduced Wayne would get me ten grand easily. So I set the ransom at a very manageable forty k. Figured that was next to nothing what with the inheritance and all. I doubted the police department would interfere. But until then, I... I had Wayne in my possession."  


"How'd you get him?"  


Riddler pushed his glasses up. "Funny story, Two-Face. It was actually very easy. Got him from behind with a stapler in his office. One hit! On my life!"  


"Sounds fake."  


"It's true! Honest!"  


"Enough heckling, Harvey! Give the kid a break!"  


"Name's not Harvey, clown."  


Joker stuck his tongue out.  


"... Anyway. I kept him in several ropes. You understand. What with Wayne's build and all."  


"I don't know what you mean."  


"C-come on, Ivy. You're not gonna make-"  


"In detail, Edward." Penguin stared up through his bushy eyebrows.  


Riddler gulped. "He's not exactly weak-looking... Several ropes seemed necessary for a man of.. his size. He was actually very easy cargo! I don't think he slid once the whole ride. Probably can afford natural fibers. And his suit was fitted so well... But that's not important."  


"Lap dance! Lap dance!" Bouncing again.  


"The lady's right! We were promised a lap dance. You're teasing us, Riddles!"  


"JOKER!"  


"Yes, Eddie dear?"  


"I was just..." Riddler sat back down, then stood again and pointed at him. "Just let me finish my story!"  


"Go right ahead! I'm not stopping you, am I?"  


"Right!" Riddler sat. "I was getting to that. I took Mr. Wayne out of the van, took off his coat, 'cause I didn't want to wrinkle it, and Query and Echo helped me wrestle him onto a chair. He didn't struggle much. But he kept staring at me. Those big ol' blue eyes, I swear."  


Riddler stared into space. Ivy raised her eyebrows and sipped her water glass. Harley'd curled into her lap to get more comfortable. Joker sipped the last of his drink. Loudly.  


"Wasn't until he was tied up, I-" Riddler coughed, "I realized, 'Gee, Eddie! You gave Mr. Wayne the most comfortable chair in the whole hideout! What did you do that for?' Then I realized... maybe, just maybe... I'd made my seat that much more comfortable."  


"So you sat in his lap," Penguin said.  


"I sat in his lap."  


Croc scoffed. "Not a lapdance."  


"You weren't there, Waylon!"  


"He's right, Riddler." Catwoman threw her cards down. "I was expecting something more. I've got a story. I've been in Wayne Manor, after all."  


"You ROBBED Wayne Manor?"  


"Moi? I never said I robbed it. Oh, Harley, you know me so well. I'll tell you more if you like."  


"Now this sounds interesting. Hoo hoo!" His feet were back on the table.  


"Wayne's old money. Everyone knows that. Last I saw Wayne was at the opening of the new Indonesian wing at the museum. You know how Wayne prides himself in mutliculturalism. He brought home a few trophies I swore weren't for sale. Figured I'd get my paws on them. During the day, I thought, well, he's sure to be at his big corporate job giving him all that money to blow on vases and whatever else. I kept a low profile. I didn't even wear my catsuit. This was meant to be quick. Listen for the butler, go in, head out, easy. To my surprise, on my way out, I realize I've got someone on my tail. Bruce." She stuck her claw into the table. "Bruce Wayne. He gave me a look that said he'd let me get as far as I did. I don't even remember what I had, but I knew I had to act fast.  


"So, the first distraction that came to mind came to mind."  


"Ewww!"  


"Shh.. Harley."  


"Sorry, Pammy." She looked at Selina. "Sorry, kitty."  


"You're fine. I gave it all I had, and once I thought he'd given in, I climbed out the window by his shoulders. So really, he did let me get away if you think about it."  


"Funny! Now that's funny! Whatcha get for Wayne's junk anyway?" Joker was chewing on the straw now.  


"Not enough." She glared at Cobblepot. "Not enough at all."  


"Fascinating story, Mrs. Catwoman!" Penguin drew a card from the deck. "Any others?"  


"I've got one!" Killer Croc pounded the table. "Once Wayne told me to duck before there was an explosion!"  


Looking around at the blank expressions, Croc could tell he'd said something wrong, but he wasn't sure what.  


"... It was a big explosion."  


The coin shimmered as it spun. Tails.  


"I've got a story about Wayne."  


No one spoke as Harvey took the gum out of his mouth and stuck it on Joker's cup. Joker yanked his cup away and sneered.  


"We were room mates."  


"Omigawd, Red, they were room mates!"  


"Shhh!"  


"I've known Wayne since we were kids. Well, to a degree."  


The room stayed silent as Harvey slowly took out chapstick and applied it just to the right where it was dry.  


"Our fathers got along. Him and Harvey used to play together."  


Two-Face coughed. A deep, chest cough. Ivy slid her water glass.  


"Thank you."  


He gulped the whole thing, wiping his mouth on his striped sleeve.  


"Harvey figured it was a good idea, sharing a place. Money wasn't an issue, but they figured they might as well. I was surprised he even wanted to go to college. He already owned the company."  


Two-Face shook his head. He pulled the coin out. Heads. He sighed.  


"After his parents died, Wayne'd always been a little jumpy. One night, it was raining. I still remember. The wind was howling."  


Riddler slid his elbow off the table.  


"There was thunder. He was scared."  


Heads.  


"Harvey didn't know what to do. He'd never seen Wayne cry like that."  


Heads.  


"So he hugged him.  


"He held him crying all night.  


"He told him it would be okay.  


"In the morning, it was like nothing had happened."  


Tails.  


"We never talked about it again."  


Harvey went to take another sip of water before remembering the glass was empty and throwing it. Joker dodged.  


"What, Twofer? Mad 'cause you know I'll top it?"  


"WHAT?"  


"You heard me!" Joker rummaged in his pocket and gleefully pulled out his phone, bedazzled case and all. The fingers of his other hand wiggled. "Seeing is believing as they say!"  


Riddler got up from his seat for a closer look, Croc huddled in, and Penguin practically climbed over Catwoman to get a view.  


"Harl? Aren't you going to get up."  


She blew a raspberry. "Oh, please! You're telling me you haven't seen Mistah J's story?"  


"... No."  


"Good grief, Red! Get with the times."  


"This is it! This is it, everyone! The main event!" Joker held the phone at an arm's length. On it was one photo, black and white, so blurry it was hard to tell exactly what of.  


"That's Wayne?"  


"Oh, yes, my dear! What, don't believe me, Eddie?"  


Catwoman licked her teeth. "It's so filtered and slathered in stickers, I doubt anyone could see it."  


"Look look look! That's his ear, why," he chortled, "that's me! KISSING MY NECK!"  


"Nooo! And you all called MINE a lie!"  


"That's 'cause it was, Ed."  


"Be nice, Harl. The boy's only just discovering himself."  


"Rightcha are, Red!"  


Two-Face pounded his fist on the table. Silence. "Give it here."  


Joker took Two-Face's wrist in one hand and plopped the phone with the other, grinning. Everyone waited.  


"... Yeah, that's Wayne."  


"Hey, I thought telling me what I already know was Eddie's shtick." Joker took his phone. "I have VIDEO!"  


"I'm curious now," Cobblepot took his cigarette holder from his mouth, "just what happened last night. This wasn't at my establishment, huh?"  


"Right you are, Pengerz! It was elsewhere."  


On looped a clip of a gloved finger stirring a drink, still black and white. There were voices and a soft tune.  


"Last night, I had a bit of a thirst, you see."  


"Thirssstayy!"  


"Yes, Harley! I know! I love to go to the Iceberg Lounge and pay my tab in cheeky looks as much as the next crook, but..." He tapped his fist on his chin. "I wanted something... different."  


He thumbed to the next snap. This one had heart emojis plastered around a slow-zoom of a man in a white collared shirt. Joker's muffled giggle could be heard as the man looked back. It looped. And he giggled. And he giggled.  


"So, I'm two months sober, ya know. 'ROOTbeer on the ROCKS, TENDER!' And boy, did she follow through! Even got some sprinkles on my whipped cream with some convincing. But, hey! Anything's free if ya got a pistol!" He smacked Riddler's chest. "Am I right?" He put his arm around Riddler's neck and tapped to the next snap. "Look, Nygma! I've heard Wayne's used to cameras, but SHEESH!"  


"Is that-"  


"Hmmm... YES."  


Catwoman peeked over Joker's shoulder. "Oh, for a second I thought you had something good. Big deal. Wayne wears briefs. That is him, isn't it? Couldn't tell without his face in the shot."  


"BRIEFS, WOMAN?! I thought you were an outdoor cat! Those are ANDREW CHRISTIANS! LUXURY! Are we gonna need Harvey on body check again?"  


Two-Face held out his hand. Joker bowed as he handed the phone to him.  


He stared a bit longer than expected, nodded once, and handed it back. "I'd know it anywhere."  


Joker squealed.  


"And this is all public, Joker?" Ivy sighed. "The nerve! What if this gets out?"  


He threw his head back laughing. "I can only hope, dear."  


"But what happened? Rootbeer and then-?"  


"Oh, Nygma, that's just the BEGINNING!" Joker crossed his legs on the table. A buzz of interrogation filled the room. Joker held up his hands. "Listen, kiddies... Daddy's getting to it. Make sure you're all comfy!" He threw one arm over his knee. "SO! I pull the old, 'Haven't we met before?' on the guy. He looks scared a sec. The rich always are. Fleeting, wealth. I'll tell you that much.  


"Anyway," Joker held out his tense fingers, "he asks what I'm DRINKING of all things! Tell him I'm sober, and sure enough, he looks a little fiesty when I mention how much I'd really like to REMEMBER ALLA THAT." Joker scanned his fingers up and down. "Charming fellow. Showed me his teeth a little. Not so broody like SOME people which we promised not to mention.  


"Anywhoo," Joker slipped a thumb in his belt loop and swung the other arm up, "I said, 'Gee, I'd like to get to know you better,' and he's all, 'I'm a busy man. Talk to my secretary,' BUT, and I'm still a bit proud of this one, I go..." Joker cleared his throat, "'I look like hell, I know. But you... you're heavenly. Marvelous. Together I think we'd make life itself.'" After a pause, he laughed. "You know, it's funny. Cheesy as it was, he seemed to like it. Names never came up, but I think we pretended not to recognize each other. Like two strangers on a park bench."  


Harley buried her face in Ivy's stomach.  


Joker cleared his throat. "Obviously there aren't many Bruce Waynes or manic green-haired clowns running around. Well... maybe the latter."  
Riddler tapped his foot.  


"Oh, the reply? Well, it ended in a broom closet, so I guess the rest is history. Got my own ride to home sweet home!" Joker plopped back down in a chair. "The end!"  


"Oh, come on!"  


"That's not a story!"  


"Please, sir, can I hear some more?"  


"You can't just end it like that!"  


"Well I DID! So CRY ABOUT IT!" Joker continued chewing his straw. Four strips of green plastic curledand crumpled at the end. "That's right! Die mad, Eddie!"  


"I thought it was a great story, Cream Puff!"  


"Thanks!" Joker stood. "I should get going. I hear some of the Central City guy's are havin' a luncheon, and if I don't get eight hours and run to the cleaners, I'll be handsy AND smell... like tonight!"  


"I'll say." He straightened his glasses again.  


"What? My breath smell bad?" Joker blew in Riddler's ear. "You know what? Don't answer that. Later, Pengerz! It was cute what you did here!"  


"I BEG your pardon?"  


With the blow of a kiss and a delicate wave, Joker was gone.  


"I never know what to make of that clown, Harl. I understand you two-"  


"Oh, Red! He's a lot, but we're besties! Somebody's gotta look out for 'im!"  


Two-Face looked up. Even his right eye bulged.  


"What is it now?" Penguin grinded his teeth. "It was all going so well before..."  


"I don't hear your men patrolling," he growled.  


Oswald blinked.  


The table burst to the ceiling. Smoke filled the room.  


"Riddle me this? Who's never invited but always arrives? OOF!"  


There are many perks of running an operation underground. The lack of exits is not one of them.


End file.
